The Husband Diet by Barone Nancy

Author:Barone, Nancy
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781803287638
Publisher: Head of Zeus
Published: 2022-06-23T00:00:00+00:00

17

Catharsis

At about the time I should have been out with Julian that day, I had another major fight with Ira. On the phone. Because things weren’t going well at his office and there was no one else to take it out on but me, apparently.

His 25-year old secretary, Pristine Maxine (so dubbed by me because she always wore white and had her hair coiffed like Lady D. Someone should have told her the Eighties were over), wanted a raise, but he couldn’t afford to give her one, so she’d threatened to leave. I couldn’t blame her. Ira could wear out anybody’s patience. And now he was taking it out on me, saying if I’d been a good wife all these years, I’d have offered to do her work on the weekends.

I actually had, in exchange for Saturdays with the four of us as a family, and memories of me scrubbing his urinals came back to me on a regular basis while he watched baseball games and pigged out on the office sofa. And his promise to be a Saturday father had quickly died a death, as he simply couldn’t be bothered, so he’d hide out at work.

I squared my shoulders and whispered into the phone, ‘Those days of me bailing you out all the time are over, Ira,’ and hung up.

I was at the end of my tether. And while I was at it, I wasn’t doing his laundry anymore, or his dishes. Among other things. I was officially off wife duty.

I rang my zia Maria and ordered a roast chicken and potatoes to go. ‘Can you throw some veggies in there, as well?’ I asked. ‘And a nice big tiramisu?’

‘You inviting The Hunk over?’ she asked.

‘No, of course I’m not – why do you ask?’

‘Paul told us you had an invitation for coffee. So it’s serious?’

Arrgh, there he went again. I’d have to talk to him about discretion. ‘No, there’s nothing going on between me and The Hu… my children’s principal.’

‘Of course there isn’t,’ she laughed and said, ‘Martina, pick up the phone, will you? Erica’s got a date with The Hunk!’

I rolled my eyes as Zia Martina squealed ‘No way?’ somewhere in the background.

‘Listen, you two. I’m not going out with Julian Foxham! And that’s that!’

‘Can I have him, then?’ Zia Monica chimed, presumably from a third phone, and Zia Martina snorted.

‘Don’t take her seriously. She’s got the hots for Father Frank.’

‘I do not!’ she assured.

‘Ooh, father Frank’s nice – go for it,’ I joked. Had we all suddenly lost our morals? Had we all become like Marcy and Judy?

‘Erica?’ Zia Maria said softly.

I knew that tone. ‘What?’

‘We’re not going to do all that again, are we?’

I groaned. ‘All what again?’

‘You married Ira because you thought you were too fat for anyone else to marry you. And now that you’re a free woman, you won’t let yourself love Julian because you’re afraid to jump in case you make the same mistake.’

‘Actually, I married Ira because I loved him.’

‘And because he knocked you up,’ Zia Monica sentenced.

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